When I was a child, seeing my mother eating small amounts of food and throwing it up, I thought it was kind of normal, since it was the only situation I had known since I was born. I just remember sometimes I was asking: “Mum, are you okay? Why do you do that, are you sick or something?” But she’d always find ways to calm me down saying like: “Oh don’t worry honey, this is my way of dealing with stress, my body is used to this and it happens naturally.” And these words were always kind of calming me down. When I grew up and I started to be more aware of the problem she was affected by, I knew that she wouldn’t admit anything about it and she would not ever ask for help. So, I was trying my small strategies, where the main intention was to keep the food she was eating as long as possible in her stomach. I used to talk more during dinner time, to talk a lot after we were done, and find excuses to hang around her to help her with cleaning and sweeping, or just to tell her stories. Sometimes this worked and she would allow me to stay there and to listen to me; some other times I could see her getting nervous and nervous, and she would just chase me out of the kitchen saying that she wanted to be by herself because she had a stressful day and needed to relax. And I was trying to say things like: “Well, if you’re tired just go to bed, I’ll do the dishes, no worries!” But she was saying that washing the dishes while watching the TV was relaxing for her and that she wanted me to leave her alone. All I could do then was to leave her, go into my room and be noisy and making whatever sounds so not to hear her throwing up.
When now I get home, I usually try to use the same strategies sometimes, hanging around her as long as possible after dinner. But I also understood that I can’t do everything, she is the only one who can save herself, and if she doesn’t want to, I can’t do it for her. All that I can do is showing her that I’ll always be by her side to support her. For those whose loved ones are fighting against this monster, don’t feel guilty or responsible for anything. We can’t do nothing, just showing all the love and faith we have for them.
Love and hope to everyone :)
Edelweiss